I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

By now, some of you readers might think of me as an 'infinitely omnipotent mastermind' and even become my followers.

But that's a misunderstanding. As I have repeatedly said, my story is closer to a tale of failures than of successes. Naturally, I made a lot of colossal mistakes.

Shall I introduce one of the memorable episodes among those countless blunders?

Whhooosh!

Now, everyone.

It might be a bit abrupt, but do you like 'The Lord of the Rings'?

By ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ I mean the trilogy directed by Peter Jackson, not the original novels written by Tolkien.

Of the trilogy, my favorite is, of course, the final installment, ‘The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King’ (2003).

Among its scenes, the one where the cavalry of the human kingdom charges at the orcs—the so-called ‘Charge of the Rohirrim’—is my top pick.

In the movie, there is a scene where humans and orcs brace themselves for the clash.

“Form ranks, maggots. Form ranks! Pikes in front! Archers behind!”

“Advance! And fear no darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Thé□den!”

“To death!”

“Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise, arise, Riders of Th□□den!”

Ah, the parts marked with '□' are to respect the fearsome copyright of the Tolkien Estate. Even though I, the Undertaker, appear this way, I strictly adhere to copyright laws.

Anyway, as the cavalry finally begins their charge, a horn resounds across the Pelennor Fields with a mighty Wwwooooosh.

Oh boy, truly, onomatopoeia is already difficult to express, but capturing the sound of that horn with mere letters is utterly impossible.

With the crude combination of letters ‘Wwoooosh,’ I can’t even convey 0.01% of that magnificent sound effect.

I was able to watch the movie only after the hype had long passed. Before I started my life as a regressor, I didn’t have much interest in cultural activities in general.

But then.

“Wh-What on earth... Guild leader... You haven’t seen ‘The Lord of the Rings’? I-I don’t get it. What I mean is, why do you even live? Why do you unnecessarily continue your life...?”

After receiving this scolding from Sim Ah-ryeon, I somehow managed to obtain a Blu-ray and watched it in my home theater.

Wwwoooosh!

And then... I got hooked.

You could say I finally opened my eyes to what cavalry ecstasy is. When the cavalry’s hooves mercilessly trampled the orcs, my heart was also trampled at the same time.

It was the 380th run.

This incident happened during another ‘vacation cycle.’

“Cavalry.”

“...Yes?”

“Let’s cultivate a cavalry unit.”

The conference room fell silent for a moment.

Thunk. At that moment, Noh Do-hwa, the National Road Management Corps commander (this person drinks any kind of coffee without regard to the beans or type, just whatever is given) set down her café mocha as her lips were unsealed.

“What nonsense are you talking about...?”

“I’m talking about raising a cavalry unit. In a world where neither cars nor motorcycles run anymore, how long are we going to cling to outdated vehicles? Isn’t it time we urgently needed a new mode of transportation that can operate without gasoline, just by grazing on weeds?”

“If anything, horses seem much more outdated than cars...?”

“Times change according to the environment.”

By the way, when I advocated for something within the Regressor Alliance, I never just spoke. I distributed prepared audiovisual and statistical materials.

“As you can see, thanks to the growth of the National Road Management Corps, logistics movement between cities and guilds is becoming more active. However, the amount of fuel reserves in each city is rapidly depleting. In the end, it’s clear that all reserves will be exhausted within two years. Noh Do-hwa, leader of the National Road Management Corps, we must start preparing countermeasures now.”

“If my memory serves correctly, there was a plan recently proposed by you, Undertaker, to use Gremlins to move cars...?”

“Gremlins are anomalies. No matter how carefully you handle them, accidents can always happen. So we need to have a Plan B ready to switch policies anytime.”

“That’s strange. What you’re saying seems reasonable, but why does your expression look so...?”

It’s because Buddha sees only Buddha, and Noh Do-hwa sees only Noh Do-hwa in her eyes.

“Well. I acknowledge that as a Plan B, it’s somewhat plausible, but even if it’s a cavalry unit, how do you plan to raise horses...? We don’t have the luxury to expand pastures now...”

“It’s okay. I’m not planning to ask the busy Sword Marquess to tread on weed fields either.”

“...? Then how do you plan to raise the horses?”

Noh Do-hwa’s puzzled look was a legitimate reaction. In a world covered by void, even wild greens that look normal on the outside can cause serious problems if consumed recklessly.

If you eat just anything? Whether human, animal, or plant, any organism can experience the miracle of its genes changing in real-time.

Experiencing white hair growing on the scalp and then suddenly sprouting teeth instead of hair was indeed a unique experience. If Darwin and Lamarck were reborn in this era, they would’ve reluctantly admitted, ‘Well, this isn’t exactly what I intended...’ and showed reluctance.

“Do-hwa, we need to break away from the fixed idea of horses.”

“Yes? ...Ah, wait. Wait a moment. That academic nonsense feeling you give off is starting to creep in...”

“What is a horse? What is the essence, the idea of a horse? Isn’t it an animal that humans can ride and gallop on?”

“Goddamn it.”

“I don’t simply want a replica of a horse. I want a true horse. A horse that humanity has never seen before—a true horse itself. One that doesn’t fear the enemy’s pike formation, with explosive acceleration and long-term endurance, capable of carrying heavy loads, gentle and kind but only to me, ruthless to the enemy, doesn’t poop much, and eats just anything.”

“Goddamn it...”

“And I plan to use the void to create this horse. How about it? Isn’t my plan perfect? Doesn’t it make your heart race?”

“Yes, it makes my heart race. Because of the angina you’ve caused. I can’t sue you since the Medical Dispute Mediation and Arbitration Agency is gone... Uh. Excuse me, Saintess? Can you please stop this man...?”

At that moment, the Saintess, who had been quietly sipping her coffee, opened her lips. With a blank expression.

“Last week, Mr. Undertaker asked me if it wouldn’t be cool to have a moving steampunk mobile fortress like in ‘Howl’s Moving Castle’.”

“......”

“Compared to a steampunk mobile fortress, the idea of a true horse is relatively more acceptable. Ms. Do-hwa, I advise you to give up.”

A long sigh echoed through the conference room.

“Goddamn it...”

I took that as a sign of ‘This business plan is great, let’s proceed quickly.’

Starting the very next day, I set up a horse ranch in the plains around Daesan-myeon, north of Changwon, South Gyeongsang Province.

“The modern trend is to return to farming... no, to ranching.”

Wearing a straw hat, I looked down at the plains. It was a splendid piece of land I had chosen.

With Joonam Reservoir nearby, the environment was perfect for use as a pasture. The location was also excellent. The National Road Management Corps and Samcheon World’s headquarters were just a stone’s throw away in Busan.

‘After traveling all around the country during my regression, I now have an eye for land that can rival even Master Mu-hak.’

I couldn’t help but feel proud.

Originally used mainly for farmland before the civilization collapsed, now mostly abandoned by residents, the area was overtaken by weeds and wild trees.

Of course, the genetics and biology of this era were so advanced that the weeds and wild trees were officially categorized under ‘anomalies.’

Gobble Gobble.

Slime Slime.

There were two main types of anomalies inhabiting the Daesan-myeon area.

One looked like a goblin but had a body made of liquid slime called ‘Slogoblin,’ and the other looked like a slime but had goblin skin called ‘Goblime.’ Both had a village-class danger rating according to the Library Society’s classification system.

I had no idea how such hybrids came to be, so don’t bother asking. Maybe, um, one day Goblin A found the slime’s backside attractive... or maybe Slime B found comfort in a goblin’s butthole. Either way, the result was equally vile.

Gobbble!

Slaaaime!

Without a moment’s hesitation, I wiped out both rare species within two days. After the apocalypse, the term ‘biodiversity’ was removed from dictionaries worldwide, so it was a legal act.

While wandering around Changwon, I also cleaned up the wild trees with my aura.

Neigh! Neigh!

Next was the perfectly legal and peaceful relocation operation. I went to Jeju Island, caught the horses grazing on the grasslands, and loaded them onto the ships.

Then I rowed back and forth between the mainland and Jeju Island.

Fuel? That’s a luxury.

‘We don’t even have a liter of oil to support your reality edition of Animal Crossing...’ declared Noh Do-hwa as she handed me exactly 500ml of black oil in a beaker.

But who am I, the Undertaker? Using an aura-coated oar, I managed to ferry over 200 horses over fifteen days.

Not only that, but I also crossed over to Japan, negotiated with the Magical Girl Association, and brought back four high-quality racehorses. They readily agreed since we had done several projects together.

Of course, the Magical Girl Association didn’t provide a boat, so I had to row my way across the East Sea with my bare hands—or rather, an oar.

[Why on earth do you go to such lengths...], the Saintess’s murmurs occasionally reached my ears, but I ignored them.

While I respect the Saintess, after much persuasion, I finally got her to read Romance of the Three Kingdoms last week. But after finishing it, her comment was:

‘...In the end, Sima Yi won, so it’s a story with neither lesson nor value, isn’t it?’

Unbelievable. Not a fan of Shu (loyalists), nor Wei (traditionalists), nor even the lunatic faction of Wu—she liked Jin? Is she really the same species as me? The Saintess does not understand the human heart.

[No, I’m not saying I like the Sima family, just that the story’s conclusion was... It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please continue raising the horses.]

Hmph.

With the love and support of a regressor, and most importantly, the genetic mutations from the void, the horses grew healthily.

If the world were normal, it would take at least 2-3 years for horses to mate, give birth, and grow from foals to adults. But what kind of world is ours? It’s a world where Newton’s concepts of absolute space and absolute time induce seizures and convulsions.

Thanks to the world-class mental illness, at my ranch (I named it ‘Idea Ranch’), foals grew into adults overnight.

Of course, that was an extreme case, and generally, growth was erratic over half a year.

Neigh! Neigh!

Grrr...

Under my care, the horses learned the mysteries of evolution. I named all these tasks ‘genealogy work’... or simply ‘gene work.’

Towards a stronger horse!

Towards a faster horse!

Towards the best horse!

In some sense, evolution was similar to the regressor’s life of filtering out the optimal path. So, could I, the Undertaker, be called an expert in gene work?

And so, half a year later.

“You mean there’s already a result...?”

“Yes, Do-hwa, I formally invite you to my [Idea Ranch] for inspection and a tour.”

“Wow. I haven’t been this reluctant to accept an invitation in a long time...”

“But this is the Plan B we submitted at the Alliance meeting. As the meeting chairperson, you should verify it, right? Also, it’s not good to stay in Busan all the time. People need to get out once in a while.”

“......”

“You’re coming, right?”

“......”

I had even prepared a safari truck for the occasion.

I invited not only Noh Do-hwa but also Seo Gyu and Sim Ah-ryeon, among our guild members. They would feel left out if I played without them.

“Ah...! Guild leader, you always boast about the ranch, so I’ve been dying to see it! Can I draw it and post it on SG Net...?”

“Hyung, you keep singing about the Peach Blossom Spring and the Utopian Ideal, so I’m curious too. Since it’s a ranch you made, it must be extraordinary, right?”

Ah-ryeon and Seo Gyu excitedly chatted in the backseat of the safari truck.

In the apocalyptic era, there were few entertainments. Humanity regained the virtue of being delighted with each invitation like this.

On the other hand, Noh Do-hwa, sitting in the passenger seat, had a face that looked as if she were going to a funeral.

As soon as she got into the truck, she buckled her seatbelt and whispered to me quietly.

“Undertaker...”

“Yes?”

“Why isn’t the Saintess here...?”

“Oh, I invited her, but unfortunately, she caught a cold. So, she said she’d come next time.”

“......”

Noh Do-hwa’s face turned a bit paler.

I put a cassette tape into the fairly old safari truck and played some music. The backseat got lively with the driver’s excellent music selection.

“Then, let’s start the first safari tour of the Undertaker’s Idea Ranch, the first public opening.”

“Wow, wow...”

“Woooo!”

Vroom!

The safari truck roared, belching out exhaust. I also honked energetically, and the horn, set to sound like a bugle, blared out.

Wwwooooosh!

Perfect.

As the horn, which once resounded across the continent for humanity's last stand, echoed magnificently again, Noh Do-hwa’s murmured quietly, at a volume only I could hear, drifted from the passenger seat.

“God damn it...”

Footnotes:

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