BXBX NOVEL Chapter 181: (2/3): Regret
Chapter 181: (2/3): Regret
Camilla sat by the open window, looking outside at the stars in the sky. Cold winter winds blew in, sweeping up her hair. Two pale hands with slender fingers reached over her shoulder and pulled the windows shut, cutting off the air. All of a sudden, the room felt warmer, and at the same time more stifling.
“I sense someone heading up the stairs. They’re probably coming this way,” Kagriss said after she locked the window. “Are you nervous?”
Camilla sensed the same flame of life that Kagriss sensed as well, and her heartbeat thumped faster. She recognized the flame as Ismelda, and she nodded. “A little.”
“I don’t think anything will happen. You are her daughter after all.” Kagriss patted her shoulder reassuringly. “She still needs you to do something as well. I’ll also be here with you, so you won’t be alone in this.”
“Kagriss….” Her lover’s support calmed Camilla a bit. Everything Kagriss said made sense. Still, she grimaced. Camilla knew that she should be punished for this, and quite severely too. The punishment for murder in Moltrost was the death penalty or incarceration for most people. Yet, she was probably going to be let off with just a slap on her wrist thanks to her relationship with Victoria.
It was like that in Moltrost as well. The punishment for the rich was merely a hefty fine, while the politically powerful faced house arrest for a few days or a hit to their reputation, if even that. An abuse of power for a lighter punishment. In the past, she had always hated those kinds of people, and yet she became one of them.
It disgusted her, and she disgusted herself. Her lifted spirits fell back down, and she looked down at the table, examining the patterns in the wood, hoping to find a mysterious key that might unravel the complicated knot of emotions she felt within.
“Camilla—” Kagriss’s hesitant voice was interrupted by a series of knocks on the door. Huffing in annoyance, Kagriss glared at the shut door. “Come in.”
The door flew open and Ismelda walked in with a smile, the cheer on her face in stark contrast with the present mood in the room. As if she couldn’t read the atmosphere, she kept right on smiling. “Great news! The only punishment that you’re going to receive is a fine of fifteen thousand bloodstones, which will all go to the coliseum. Of course, you already paid, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
Her words confirmed Camilla’s suspicions, sending a wave of relief through her, followed closely by a sinking feeling. Her expression darkened. “As expected…”
“What’s wrong?” Ismelda asked when she didn’t receive the cheerful reply she expected. When she came in, she thought the heavy atmosphere was due to worry, so she was slightly confused when it didn’t lift after she delivered her news. “Come on, cheer up. You basically got off free of punishment. Normally, the punishment would be to be a blood slave for a year or more.”
And that only worsened Camilla’s mood, at least until it hit the threshold for undead emotions and it forcibly cheered her up until she was above the threshold. She wasn’t even allowed to be sad.
Kagriss shot Ismelda a glare.
After being glared at out of nowhere when she was the bearer of good news, Ismelda felt wrong. She pursed her lips. “What is it with you anyway?” she demanded.
When Kagriss was about to retort something, Camilla tugged on her arm. Kagriss closed her mouth, though she still glared at Ismelda.
“Nothing,” Camilla said. “Can you tell me what happened at the meeting? Why wasn’t I allowed to be there?”
“The administrator of the amphitheater requested your absence—probably because it made him nervous,” Ismelda replied. She wasted no words, curt as can be. “As for what happened, nothing much. The administrator reported it to the Guards. Given your identity, the head of the Guards personally took the matter up to Victoria, who summoned the administrator and a few witnesses and other parties of relevance.
“Everyone saw you do it and you confessed to me, so it was an open and shut case with no mystery and, since Victoria dealt with it directly, no bureaucratic hoops to jump through. Like I said, the original punishment was service as a blood slave for a minimum of one year as well as financial compensation for the other party. The service was swept under the rug by Victoria, and you already paid the money, so the whole matter is over.”
Ismelda finished the whole report without missing a beat, summarizing everything without leaving out any important details. Camilla nodded. “Thank you. By the way, what did you mean by ‘other parties of relevance?’”
“What?” Ismelda asked, confused.
Camilla repeated her question and Ismelda’s eyes widened as she understood.
“Oh, them? It’s not very important,” she said. “The elf you killed had a wife, so she was there as well.”
Camilla paled, but as an undead, she was already light-skinned, so Ismelda didn’t notice, continuing right on.
“Originally you were supposed to compensate her as well, but since the elf already had a death grant agreement with the coliseum, that was waived as well. I convinced the coliseum to split off their compensation in order to pay off the death grant.” There, Ismelda smiled proudly. “I saved you a few thousand bloodstones, but no need to thank me.”
There was nothing Camilla could do but nod, completely numb. It was like the whole world closed off to her, and it wasn’t until Ismelda left and she heard the door click shut that she came to. Somehow, without realizing it, she had managed to squeeze out a smile and thank Ismelda before sending her guest off.
Her stomach turned and she leaned over the floor, retching, but nothing, not even bile, came from her mouth. Yet, it felt like she was going to turn her stomach inside out.
“Milla! Milla, are you okay?” Kagriss gasped and pulled her up, her eyes wide in a rare display of fright. “Milla, what’s wrong?”
Camilla pushed her away. “Nothing! Nothing’s wrong. I’m okay…”
After her attempt to vomit, she felt a little better, as if her mind had cleansed as well, making her thoughts clearer. But so what if her thoughts were clearer when there was only one thing left in her mind?
Her head pounded. “I… can’t believe myself. I’m a terrible person,” she muttered.
“Don’t say that. You’re not a bad person!” Kagriss murmured next to her ear, rubbing her back. “Calm down. It’s going to be okay.”
“How can it be okay?” Camilla asked. “I killed him. I forgot… something so important…” She bit her quivering lips, fighting back tears. She couldn’t cry because what did she have to cry for? It wasn’t like she was the victim here.
“What did you forget?” Kagriss asked. “Tell me. I’m here for you.”
Camilla shook her head. It wasn’t something Kagriss could share. This sin was her own burden. “…back when I was a templar, I was responsible for the lives of the people I led. But I wasn’t perfect. People died during battles, or even accidents. Although many templars were orphans or estranged from their families, others still had people who loved them but felt like the Church wasn’t for them. So they joined us.
“Sometimes, those would die, and when I gather their belongings to return to their loved ones, I would usually find proof of their love. No matter who they were in the Order, they were someone else once the armor was off… and I forgot that.” She held her head in her hands.
All those years she lived were wasted if she couldn’t even remember such a basic thing. Everyone could have someone waiting for them, no matter what kind of criminal they might be. And the elf wasn’t even a criminal. What gave her the right to be an executioner?
She swallowed the lump in her throat and got up. “I have to go see her.”
“See who? The widow?”
Widow… Camilla nodded and headed for the door, only to be stopped by Kagriss grabbing her hand, holding her in place.
“You don’t even know where she is.”
“…I’ll go ask Mother. She’ll know for sure. If not, she’ll know how to find out.” Pulling free from Kagriss, Camilla closed her eyes and found Victoria in a room somewhere in the building. All she had to do was find the right way through the mansion.
Kagriss chased after her. “Wait! Don’t be impulsive!”
“I’m not being impulsive!”
“Milla!” Helpless, Kagriss could only follow after her until they stopped in front of a room at the end of a very long hall.
Camilla paused. Seeing the door to her mother’s room made her hesitate, reconsidering what she was doing. Should she really try to see the widow? In the past, she always tried to meet the family of those who died. It… should be the same here.
Steeling her resolve, she knocked on the door and waited anxiously for a reply, straining to hear Victoria’s voice through the door. However, almost a whole minute went by with no reaction from within, forcing her to knock again.
“Maybe she’s not inside,” Kagriss suggested, nudging her with a small smile.
Camilla looked at her, a bit surprised that Kagriss actually cracked a joke. They could both clearly feel Victoria’s mana inside after all. Then it hit her. Kagriss was trying to cheer her up. With a small smile back and her heart no longer as heavy now that she’d had a minute to calm down, she knocked on the door again.
Yet, there was no reply.
“Mother… I’m coming in, okay?”
“Maybe she’s sleeping?” Kagriss suggested, pulling on her. “You shouldn’t intrude.”
Camilla hesitated but ultimately shook her head. “She probably won’t be too upset. If she’s sleeping, we can wait until tomorrow, but I don’t think she’s usually asleep at this hour.”
Since she had already made up her mind, Kagriss let go of her hand, leaving her free to act. Taking a deep breath, Camilla opened the door. It was pitch black inside except for the light the open door let in, completely unlike all the times that she’d been here.
Then, the room had been white, cheerful yet full of grace and class.
Her eyes locked onto the sole source of mana in the room. “Mother?” she asked.
Victoria was sitting on her bed, holding something in her hands. It was a white quill feather of some kind yet lacking the soft look that real feathers tended to have. What Victoria held in her hands was an ornament or accessory.
“Mother?”
The second time she called, Victoria heard her. Her mother’s head jerked up violent, red eyes locking into hers, filled with intense emotions. Anger. Hope. Anticipation. But it was all gone in an instant when Victoria narrowed her eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Victoria asked.
Camilla bit her lips with a sudden bad premonition welling up in her, like she was making a mistake. She shook her head, trying to chase the feeling away. “I’m just here to ask if you can help me find the widow of the elf I killed. I want to meet her…”
Victoria shook her head. “I can’t help you.”
“What? But you’re the ruler of the city! Sure you have access to some records…”
“I can’t because it’s for both your own good and hers. But if it makes you feel better, think of it as me refusing to help.”
“Why not? I just want to apologize,” Camilla protested. “I want to make it up to her somehow. How can it be for her good?” She looked behind her, hoping for Kagriss to say something, but Kagriss was three steps behind her, still outside in the hallway, looking up at the ceiling. She was alone.
“Do you really not understand?” Victoria asked. “Or do you just not want to understand?”
Frustration welled up in Camilla. “Why are you being so cryptic?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter.” Victoria shook her head and put the white feather away, the feather joining its two siblings in a box that Victoria put beside her. “Have you considered why you were requested to not be present for the hearing?”
“Because the administrator might be scared of me?” Camilla spoke out Ismelda’s guess, figuring that she might be right, but Victoria shook her head.
“It’s because the widow herself requested it. Don’t you get it? She doesn’t want to see you.”
Camilla froze and a dozen thoughts rushed through her head, but before she could voice any of them, Victoria cut her off. “Why do you think that meeting her will do her any good? You are the person that killed her husband. She hates you. All she’ll feel upon seeing you is anger and pain.”
“But I can give her money…” Camilla said, her voice small. All she could remember was what she did when she visited the families of her deceased comrade.
Victoria just scoffed. “She already has enough money. Five thousand bloodstones is not an insignificant sum, and if she’s smart about it, it’ll last her for several decades. Rather, you should think about why you want to meet her. What will you do once you do?”
“Apologize—”
“For her benefit or for yours?” Victoria asked. She stood up. “Look at yourself. You acted on what you thought was right and you did not think what you did was wrong until you learned he had a wife, right? You feel guilty, don’t you?”
Camilla nodded.
“You’re sorry that you made her a widow, not sorry that you killed her husband.”
Step by step, Victoria made her way over until she stood in front of Camilla, close enough that Camilla had to look up to see her eyes. They were practically pressing against each other. Victoria pinched her cheek.
“I can tell you right now that she does not want to see the person who made her a widow. She does not want your apology, or care about it. Despite his flaws, they do not matter to her and she loved him. Even if she did care about what you think, it would be whether or not you regret killing him, which you clearly don’t.”
When Victoria removed her hand, her sharp nails had broken through Camilla’s skin, letting blood flow freely from the wound on Camilla’s cheek, leaving a tingling sensation. She caught a drop on her finger and licked it off before turning away and heading back to her bed.
“If you just want to make yourself feel better, I suggest you find a way other than meeting her. But if you insist, I will not help you with this and neither will I stop you. Good night.”
Camilla took a deep breath, thinking through everything that Victoria said to her. Was she doing this for herself or for that widow? Probably…for herself. She just wanted to escape that guilt, and not to truly repent for her wrongdoings.
When Camilla turned around, she found Kagriss looking at her with concern, and despite her guilt, she still held Kagriss’s gaze without any sign of faltering. If she truly felt guilty, truly hated herself, she wouldn’t allow herself to defile the wonder that is Kagriss. That she could meet Kagriss’s eyes and bring herself to stay with Kagriss was a sign that she did care.
If someone asked her if she was a good person before today, she might have answered “yes” on account of her service to the Order and her belief that she did more good than bad.
The answer to that same question one day later is “no” without any hesitation, yet she did not care… Perhaps that was just the kind of person she was.
Tossing the matter into the back of her mind for the time being, she headed back to her room, hand in hand with Kagriss.
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While following close behind Camilla, Kagriss watched the wounded figure in front of her.
In her mind, Camilla was still a good person, in that she did what she believed was right. However, she went about it the wrong way. But that was because everything paled in comparison to Camilla.
Camilla killed the elf not because she wanted to, but because the elf represented a threat to Elyss, someone important to Camilla.
Besides, Victoria was wrong. Just because the widow didn’t want to see Camilla and will not be helped by Camilla’s apology didn’t mean Camilla had no intentions to atone. Even if what Camilla did was ultimately for herself, as Victoria suggested, the outcome she envisioned had been good.
How could Victoria discard all that?
Her poor Milla…
Even if Camilla considered herself terrible, Kagriss didn’t mind. Even if Camilla made enemies with the world, she would still stand by Camilla’s side. Camilla was “Right.”