My Mother Has a System but Won't Use It

"Yue Li had a weak heart these days."

That was a comment that Li Yao casually spoke some days ago.

"You do get lazy these days…" Liyue scratched the side of her cheeks when she said that, only to continue with a similar note: "It is as if you lost all that motivation. I don\'t know, I liked the hyperactive you better."

Xiao Li massaged her body and had sex with her like usual. In fact, the times he had sex with her had increased lately, with seven times a day becoming a routine for a while now.

He even grew a bit more dominant lately—which made her happy—But he hadn\'t yet done what he told her he would some days ago in order to fix her heart.

He seemed to be waiting for something before he did what he said.

Impatient as she was, she was a sucker for Xiao Li\'s gentle tactics; she was his little baby as much as he was hers, so when he actually becomes gentle and supportive of her current mental state and sincerely shows his wish for her to break out of it without any rush, unlike the usual him who was so pushy—she couldn\'t say \'Do what you promised\' no matter what.

And he was supportive nowadays.

Even though he told her it was better to have her heart fixed as soon as possible, Xiao Li grew calmer later on and decided it was best if she tried to create a heart for herself from the roots once more to see if having self-confidence again was a possibility.

After all, she knew that what Han Li promised was something significant—something that would change their connection on a fundamental level.

It could not be rushed.

As the days passed, it was almost as if he was growing to be more like her husband than her little boy whom she had watched grow up. The kid who was so erratic and naughty was now a man so stable she could look up to him for security.

Her son\'s back—no, that would be wrong in her case—his chest was wide enough to let her sleep at night calmly with no worries about the future. Even though they grew rather poor at a point some days ago, he went for a short trip through the city, and they were back being rich—or at least, they now had enough money to eat whatever they wanted.

And her Xiao Li never hesitated when she asked for something as long as it didn\'t affect her negatively. He was also taking care of Liyue and Li Yao well too. Well enough to actually make her proud, but that also made her remember and think about her insecurities all day long.

The root of her allowing him to have a harem was her confidence in the level of love he had for her. In her mind, after his confession of love, it was impossible for her to be abandoned; he loved her like she loved him. She was his priority beyond all else.

\'That heart of chaos is so cruel,\' she lamented, \'whoever invented it has to be beaten to death! Humph!\'

Now, even though she had a vague idea of his obsession with her, she just couldn\'t cement the thought without worrying. She just couldn\'t place any bit of confidence in herself to be good enough for her son some years down the line.

Now, she might pass the line barely, but some years later, she would just be small in comparison to him.

He was so brilliant, so capable, so intelligent, so manly, so handsome, so… so good in the bed.

Whereas she?

She was so dumb, growing old, her thoughts were shallow, and even though he said she looked perfect—was she? And she couldn\'t even learn everything he had to teach.

She had heard him praise Liyue yesterday. Supposedly, she was almost at the tip of having a solid hope and heart.

"Liyue is going to have a heart strong enough to withstand even the storms of life," Xiao Li was sincerely impressed, and the girl was shy and nervous while so happy. It was such a good moment for the both of them soon-to-be married fiance and fiancee.

Yet she felt horribly jealous. Why was she not the one being praised by him?

Why was she not the sole one loved?

Why… were other people in Xiao Li\'s life?

\'I didn\'t use to feel like this,\' she thought despondently. \'Am I such a horrible woman? So selfish?\'

Looking into the mirror, she tried to smile, but her smile quickly vanished.

Maybe some bit of strength remained in her mind, but she held back the tears.

She was in her and her son\'s room. Alone. Seated on their bed and looking into a mirror.

She hadn\'t gone to train today. Xiao Li and Liyue were out training, too.

Probably even flirting.

That thought made her resent Liyue, Li Yao, herself… and even her beloved Xiao Li.

The time was well into the morning, and the sun shone harshly through the curtains. By today, it had been exactly two months since her \'heartbreak.\'

The days had passed like a river\'s harsh current; no small rocks could deter its passing.

She trained these days, too, but they were almost all rather forced and not very fruitful either. Taking a leave or two had become quite a habit now. Soon enough, Liyue should be far beyond her.

Her face grew a sigh. \'I am not the issue here, and I am not being bitchy about not working and just being lazy. I honestly have a mental disease. This is all because my heart is confused.\'

She nodded, finally feeling a bit as if she could breathe.

\'And my son accepts whatever I am, so I have nothing to be worried about. I can be whatever I become and he will still look after me like he does now. There is no need for me to be so—\'

She broke that thought with a paling face.

\'My Xiao Li doesn\'t deserve such a useless mom. He deserves the best. What kind of mom would I be if I had no use other than being his sexual release? What kind of person can be so worthless when they\'re so blessed like me? Ah… I hate myself.\'

Her thoughts were chaotic, and nothing good seemed to be waiting for her on the road.

She suddenly closed her eyes tightly and bit her lips.

Her whole body grew tense and filled with panic.

…

Behind the room\'s door, Han Li\'s heart clenched. \'She is having a nervous breakdown!\'

He had been seeing some signs of this from their sleep yesterday and had somewhat expected it from some time ago. But to see this happen in front of him filled him with fear.

Gently moving into the room, he got behind her and waited silently. This was actually good for her.

This might actually give some solid experience for her.

But seeing the rather proud woman filled with innocence, the little ball of joy he so adored, being stooped on the side of the bed with a pale face made him silent and apprehensive. She hadn\'t even noticed him… \'Maybe, I should embrace her to calm her down.\' He shook his head.

That would be cruel to her and him.

…

What am I even worth for?

Her thoughts grew full of chaotic emotions. She herself had always thought herself to be dumb. She had never had these moments when she grew so full of negative emotions. She had never wanted enough to crawl into a hole.

\'Is this depression? Why am I so depressed?\'

Was it because she couldn\'t come to terms with the ugliness hidden inside her?

Was it because she was not the person she always believed her to be?

Was it because she felt jealous of her own son\'s happiness?

She began to breathe heavily.

\'I want to be hugged by Xiao Li.\'

\'I want to be protected by him now.\'

\'Xiao Li, where are you?\'

Suddenly, a single rational thought entered her: \'What would my Xiao Li have done if he grew panicked like me?\'

She took a deep breath, and her heart started to thump violently before one single thought started to overpower all other useless thoughts.

\'My Xiao Li doesn\'t panic when it is not related to me.\'

A gentle hand caressed her head. Another one coiled around her waist.

Before she knew it, her back was on the bed, and her sweaty face was looking up at her son\'s gentle face.

"Tone down on the deep thoughts, Mom," he said with a smile and kissed her stunned lips. "You see? Those lips. I would kill to get another kiss from it."

"Yo..You like them that much?" she asked, still stunned at his sudden appearance.

"You know I hate you," he chuckled and looked at her with adoration. "But maybe, if you pull yourself together, I might finally fall for you head over heels."

"You know what heels are?" she asked, feeling her heart thump.

"Such a stupid thing to ask at a moment like this. That\'s my mom for you."

She gulped.

"Xiao Li."

"Hmm?"

"I think I am finally making progress on understanding myself. Maybe I might fix me myself."

"You were never broken. Jealousy is normal in that kind of situation; don\'t push yourself."

Yue Li\'s eyes widened. "Li.. You knew I was jealous?"

"How would I not when it\'s you?"

She sighed and hid her eyes with her arms.

"…such a perfect son I got," she sighed. "I don\'t know whether I am blessed or cursed anymore."

"Come, we have a lot of work today. You didn\'t train, so… you can last more, right?"

"If you do it gently…"

Han Li shook his head. He was relieved she was at least no longer regressing in her mental state.

"How can I not be gentle when my mom is asking so with an expression like the one you have now?" he asked and caressed her cheeks.

She blushed, and her desire rose.

"Rascal!"

"Or we can cuddle instead till you feel okay with going forward? Why don\'t you talk about it with me?"

She smiled. "No, let me handle it on my own."