魔道祖师肠道串珠

Volume 10, Chapter 8: When Caffey Was Still Caffey…

This chapter was brought to you by AnmesicCat, and StellarAshes.

“You want to challenge me?”

The Dragon Emperor was rather surprised. There was rarely anyone who would challenge him. Before he ascended to the throne, his personality was gentle, and he rarely fought with anyone. After his coronation, nobody would dare to challenge the Dragon Emperor. But now, a woman suddenly wanted to challenge him?

“Yup, I heard the Dragon Emperor has been undefeated for hundreds of years?” The girl’s eyes seemed to be filled with a craze for combat.

The Dragon Emperor smiled. He had only been on the throne for almost a hundred years, so where could his title of being undefeated for hundreds of years have come from? But, to everyone else, the Dragon Emperor wasn’t just one person. The Dragon Emperor… also the King of the Dragon Continent, was an undefeatable symbol for the leader of all Knights.

“So, are we going to have a duel or not?” The girl asked impolitely.

“A Knight challenger must first provide the name and rank.”

“My name is Susanna, and healers don’t have ranks.” Susanna casually announced her name.

Getting challenged by a healer? The Dragon Emperor didn’t know how to react. Though within the Dragon Continent, there were some who would secretly call him the most useless Dragon Emperor in history, but getting challenged by a healer was still ridiculous.

“Wait!” Another big boy rushed hurriedly over and yelled loudly, “I’m Gle, Magician, and I want to challenge you, too!”

Yet another challenger? The Dragon Emperor thought the situation was getting interesting, especially when the Royal Knights at his side were so angry that their faces turned purple. Had the Dragon Emperor not have stopped them, they might have already chopped the two into pieces.

“Well, fine, I am Caffey. My rank… I guess Dragon Emperor.”

The Dragon Emperor unexpectedly chose to battle. It was widely known that combat was something he avoided whenever he could. Compared to fighting, he’d rather swing the sword around like a beautiful dance. He performed a Knight salute, then unsheathed his thin sword, while smiling vaguely at the two youngsters.

Though the fact that the Dragon Emperor had accepted this challenge made all his Knights drop their jaws, but since it was the will of the Dragon Emperor, they had no choice but to obey and back off to give them room for the fight.

Susanna turned around and impolitely said to Gle, “Hey! I don’t want to bully him in a 2v1. I challenged him first, so you have to let me fight him first.”

Gle shrugged. He did somewhat follow the rule of “first come first served”, especially when it was the crazy woman, Susanna, who arrived first. If he didn’t let her go first, they might end up fighting each other first.

“I’m coming, Caffey.” Susanna’s interest in the battle had peaked, and she no longer wanted to wait a single moment. As soon as she finished, she charged immediately, regardless whether her opponent was ready.

‘She called me Caffey…‘ The Dragon Emperor blinked. ‘How many years had it been?’ Other than Bairui, Miluo, and his own eldest son, no one had ever called him by his name. When this girl called him Caffey, he suddenly remembered, right, his name was indeed Caffey, so why did he always refer to himself as the Dragon Emperor?

“Why are you frozen?!”

Susanna’s fist arrived before her voice. When Caffey heard the word “frozen”, the fist already collided with his face. He didn’t remember he was in a fight until now.

‘Sigh, looks like my condition to stop and ponder hasn’t improved. Crap! I didn’t even use my aura? This punch is gonna hurt.’

“Wow, damn!” Gle widened his eyes, “Susanna, you beat the Dragon Emperor into the ground in one punch. What’s the point of the rest of the fight?”

Without the protection of his aura, Caffey’s body was likely less strong compared to Susanna, especially when his face clashed against her fist. It would’ve been strange if he didn’t fall. Caffey felt like he could see stars, and his cheek hurt so much that it felt like he had been disfigured.

Susanna carefully observed at Caffey lying on the ground: though his elegant face was now half bruised, he seemed to have looked even more pitiful? This could easily ignite a woman’s desire for caring and protection! No! She had to hit him harder so he would puff up like a steamed bun, and she could save her fellow females.

Caffey had just finished looking at the stars. When he turned, a large fist appeared right in front of his face. Caffey’s first reaction was actually thinking, ‘Was she… always targeting my face?’

As if to confirm Caffey’s hypothesis, Susanna landed all her punches in his face. Her punches were so fast that the Knights on the side were watching as though they had forgotten the person who was getting a beat on was their own Emperor. They stared blankly at the crazy woman, swinging mercilessly as though she was beating on her cheating husband.

“Susanna’s fists are merciless to faces. Sigh, pitiful.” Gle shook his head and sighed, though he thought it was strange for the Dragon Emperor to not use his aura to defend, nor did he fight back. Could he really be that confident?

“Whew! This will definitely leave him disfigured.” Susanna punched to the point where she had to try and catch her breath. She was confident her punches were enough to disfigure a man’s face.

“Miserable! Really miserable!” Gle couldn’t bear the sight and turned his head. This was the elegant Dragon Emperor just moments ago, but now it was a medicine-flavored steam bun. It was puffy and purple, and hard to look at.

Susanna looked. She thought it was her best masterpiece in her history of disfigurement; never had there been another person whose disfigurement was as thorough as this. She couldn’t help but put her hands on her hips and laughed into the sky. She finally helped her female sisters relieve yet another problem!

At this time, Caffey’s right palm lightly covered his face. After a faint purple light, he removed his hand, and an elegant yet handsome face appeared again. He could now finally open his mouth to speak; before, his mouth was swelling from the punching, and he couldn’t speak at all. Caffey asked with confusion, “Why would you only aim for the face? It’s not a vital organ.”

“Because it is my honor to disfigure handso— … wait! How did your face return to normal?” Susanna fell to her knees. She grabbed Caffey’s face and looked left and right, but not a single trace of bruise could be found. Her masterpiece was now completely gone, and she felt deeply disappointed.

“I healed it with healing magic.” As for Susanna holding his face, Caffey simply blinked without saying anything.

“Healing magic? Why would a Knight use healing magic? Do you even know what a Knight is? A Knight is what charges into the frontlines as meat shields! And I also despise people who steal my jobs!” Susanna gritted her teeth. She wanted to beat on him again, but she knew this man’s healing magic was far too powerful. She couldn’t believe he healed his wounds in the blink of an eye, and his healing magic may very well have surpassed hers, the actual healer…

“Ah… I’m really sorry.” Caffey apologized. He wasn’t aware he had robbed someone else of their job. True, as a Knight, it was unfitting of him to learn those healing, sealing, and hypnosis magic. ‘Sigh! I really shouldn’t have.’

“Hey, Caffey, do you want me to disfigure your or not?” Susanna complained, “If you heal after I beat you, isn’t that just a waste of my effort? And I would never be able to disfigure you. You are a man, why do care about your appearance? Does it really matter if you let me disfigure you?”

“Uh?” Caffey paused, “I guess it doesn’t matter. But even if I don’t heal it, won’t it still heal itself over time?”

“Then what do you think if I cut it with a knife?” Susanna earnestly tried to think of another plan.

Caffey thought about it seriously, about whether this method of disfigurement would work. However, after thinking about it for a while, he explained, “Then it would last a bit longer, but it would still heal itself eventually. I am a Holy Knight, and my body can already heal itself.”

“That’s troublesome. So what can I do to destroy your face?” Susanna actually asked the person receiving the disfigurement, on how she could do it; it was practically identical to asking a pig how it could be cooked into a meal.

“Hmm…” Caffey actually gave this some thought. He was frustrated that, despite his Kung Fu being so-so, his healing magic was practically unparalleled, and his self-healing powers were strong as a result. No matter how much he thought, he could not think of a way to permanently disfigure him. He was now regretting learning healing magic too seriously, resulting to the current situation.

Finally, Caffey shook his head in depression and said, “No, I can’t find a way. Perhaps you can tell me what you’re trying to do by disfiguring me, then perhaps I could help you find another plan.”

“So you can’t use your face to philandering around, causing women heartaches!” Susanna said righteously.

“I see…” Caffey tilted his head and thought, “Well, I think you could marry me, then you could manage how I live, and I wouldn’t be able to seduce any women with this face. What do you think of that?”

“I see? But I’m still a student, so I can’t go with you to the Dragon Continent! Even if I marry you, when I’m not next you, you would still have affairs!” Susanna was a bit frustrated. It would be years before she could graduate, and he could potential harm hundreds of hearts in the few years!”

“Hmm! Fine, then before you graduate, I’ll stay here with you.” Caffey stated this compromise.

The Royal Knights screamed on the top of their lungs, “My God! Someone contact Eldest Prince now! Dragon Emperor’s ‘Intermittent Idiot Syndrome’ is having an attack again!”

“What, did you just do something stupid?” Susanna turned her head and asked with confusion.

“Did I?” Caffey thought briefly, and then suddenly clapped his hands together, “I know, it must be because I stood still while you beat me up, and I even forgot to release my aura to block it.”

“I see. That was indeed stupid. Don’t forget to release your aura next time; you are a Knight after all.” Susanna nodded.

“I know. I won’t forget it again.” Caffey nodded, then thought about it and said with a smile, “Actually, it doesn’t matter if I forget it. You’re going to marry me, and you can remind me whenever I forget it.”

“That’s true, then it doesn’t matter if you forget.” Susanna patted her chest and promised, “I will remember to remind you.”

“That’s great. It’s great to have a wife.” Caffey smiled idiotically.

Gle felt a bit speechless as he witnessed the conversation between two people with less than 50 IQ. He was quiet for a long time, doing something stupid “again”? And he had a son… Gle couldn’t refrain from asking Caffey, “Hey, how did you even marry your first wife?”

“Hmm? It was through matchmaking.” Caffey smiled as he answered.

It sounded fairly normal. Gle scratched his face. Maybe he was thinking too much…

Caffey added, “I saw her picture in the personals sections of a newspaper. I thought I probably was old enough for marriage, so I ran to ask for her hand in marriage. In the end, however, it turned out I was looking at some old newspaper, and she was already married.”

“What? Then how did you marry her? Don’t tell me you stole her away from her husband?” Gle widened her eyes.

“No, why would I do something bad like that?! The newspaper was fifty-some odd years old. The girl who published her info was already dead for more than a decade. Luckily, she did have children, so, I ended up marrying her granddaughter.” Caffey patted his chest, as if he was proud of it.

“Wow! You’re so lucky. Good thing you did marry one, otherwise you would’ve gone there for nothing!” Susanna’s face full of the “you’re so lucky” look.

“I know, right?!”

Gle’s mind suddenly went blank. He couldn’t believe that, other than Susanna’s tofu-filled brain, there was another person in this world whose head was filled with soy milk, and this guy was actually the Dragon Emperor. How could the Dragon Empire not had collapsed yet…?

Probably because he saw Gle staring at Caffey, with a skeptical look on his face, the Royal Knight patted Gle’s shoulder and explained, “The Dragon Emperor married a long time ago, right after his coronation. They had a child the next year. Mocha, the Eldest Prince, acted as the Regent Emperor when he was three. Luckily, four years weren’t enough to collapse an Empire…”

“Please thank your Eldest Prince on my behalf.” Gle’s face was covered in black lines.

The Knight seemed to be used to it. He simply nodded.

“Ah! Wait, wait, do you have a son named Cappuccino?” Susanna suddenly remembered the 3v3 duel they had.

“My third son is named Cappucino.” Caffey asked back in shock, “How did you know?”

‘Is there anyone who doesn’t know about Dragon Empire’s three coffee Princes…?’ The bystanders were speechless.

“I’ve fought with him. It was strange, I always thought the name Cappuccino sounded familiar!” Susanna was deep in thought, “And your eldest son Mocha, I’ve heard this name somewhere too!”

Caffey asked skeptically, “Hmm? Have you seen my eldest son, too? But he rarely leaves the Dragon Continent.”

“Then did you know my second son, Latte?”

“Oh, oh, oh! I’ve heard of it. This name sounds really familiar!” Susanna suddenly stood up, “I must’ve seen your family somewhere, otherwise I couldn’t have known all three of your son’s names.”

‘Perhaps you’ve met the Dragon Emperor’s three sons in a coffee shop. Mocha, Latte, Cappuccino, how could anyone not recognize the pattern…?’ Gle facepalmed; he couldn’t bear to listen any longer.

The principal, who had passed out from blood rushing to his head when Susanna challenged the Dragon Emperor for a duel, had now suddenly woken up. Without knowing what had happened, he yelled as soon as he woke, “Dragon Emperor! Sir! Please forgive me, and forgive this rude female healer.”

‘Dragon Emperor, I am the Dragon Emperor!’

The Dragon Emperor slowly stood up, and smiled elegantly at the principal, “Don’t worry about, it was nothing. No need to mind it.”

The principal was so moved that he was about to burst into tears. At the same time, the Royal Knights were also almost in tears, because the Dragon Emperor finally returned to how he was before. Looks like his Intermittent Idiotic Syndrome attack was over. They wouldn’t have to worry about the Dragon Emperor insisting on staying in Aklan or marrying the Empress who tried to disfigure him…

“Caffey, let me take you to my dorm? You can get familiar with the surrounding.” Susanna tugged Caffey’s shirt.

“…” The Dragon Emperor frowned, and rejected, “No, sorry, I can’t stay here.”

“Why? You just said you were going to stay here with me!” Susanna was a bit unhappy.

“Just think everything that happened now as a joke. I’m really sorry.” Though he was apologizing, the Dragon Emperor’s face looked somewhat impatient.

“What are you saying? Was what you said about marrying me a joke, too?” Susanna’s voice raised an octave, “Let me tell you, I was very serious!”

“Susanna!” Gle grabbed Susanna. He had noticed there was something weird with the Dragon Emperor. Could the “Intermittent Idiotic Syndrome’ those Knights were talking about real?

“Let me go!” Susanna struggled to break free from Gle’s hands. She yelled angrily, “Stinky Caffey, rotten Caffey, liar Caffey, I hate Caffey the most!”

“No! Don’t hate me. I really do want to marry you.” The “Dragon Emperor” yelled with shock, but then he immediately returned to his previously solemn look, and looked as though he was angry at what he had just said moments ago. He turned without saying another word and left with a fast pace, almost like he was trying to flee from a crime scene.

“Caffey!” Susanna yelled explosively, “Are you going to marry me or not?!”

The Dragon Emperor stopped, but he never turned around. Only a person close to him could see; his body was trembling.

“Caffey?” Susanna wasn’t someone who would give up easily. She walked up carelessly, and her toned arms held the Dragon Emperor’s thin body tightly. She said capriciously, “You’re not allowed to leave! If you don’t marry me and let me manage your life, then I have to disfigure you.”

“No! You have to marry me.” Susanna angrily stomped and said, “I’ve already promised you to remind you to release your aura! If you’re not by my side, how am I supposed to remind you?”

“Can you…” The Dragon Emperor’s voice sounded rather dry, “… call me again? With… the voice before.”

Unsure of why Caffey was so abnormal with his attitude, Susanna was somewhat furiously. She purposely leaned up against him next to his ear, took a deep breath, and exploded like an atomic bomb, “Caffey~~ You’re not allowed to not marry me! Do you hear me?!”

Gle suddenly covered his ears. Even being this far away, he felt his ears were about to explode, so the Dragon Emperor’s ear drum had probably burst. However, the Dragon Emperor had self-healing capabilities… perhaps this actually would make them quite a matching couple?! Gle murmured to himself.

Surely enough, Caffey’s hands covered his ears, and emitted two rays of purple lights to heal. Nevertheless, he still had headaches for a long time. As soon as his eyes recovered from being two whirlpools, Caffey turned and faced Susanna, and smiled very happily, “I understand. I wouldn’t dare not to marry you! But, can you promise me something?”

“Tell me, unless it has to do with philandering.” Susanna narrowed her eyes.

“Ha, I’m not interested in philandering. However, can you call me Caffey a hundred times a day?” Caffey looked longingly, and his eyes were filled with pleading.

Susanna actually had a desire to touch Caffey’s head. Such a dangerous guy! He could even seduce her, so surely the decision to marry him and save him from her sisters was the best decision.

Susanna said with hesitation, “Call you a hundred times like that? That might be a bit difficult!”

“No, no, just normally would be fine. You can loudly once a day.” Caffey quickly clarified. Yelling a hundred times a day was something even his healing abilities couldn’t handle.

“Idiot! I would definitely call you more than a hundred times a day; this isn’t a request at all.” Susanna glared at Caffey.

“Oh, then two hundred times a day then.” Caffey raised the number happily.

“Idiot! I would call you at least five hundred times a day!”

“Really?”

“Mhm!” Susanna nodded heavily.

Calling him Caffey five hundred times a day, then it would be fine, right? Caffey would then always continue to exist…

* * *

Later, in the Imperial Palace of the Dragon Continent…

“What exactly happened?” Prince Mocha emotionlessly questioned the Knights, “Why would my father’s ‘Intermittent Idiot Syndrome’ turn into an ‘Intermittent Serious Syndrome’? Do you think it’s not troublesome enough that he becomes stupid sometimes, so now you guys turned him into a full blown one?”

“Uh, we didn’t want it either. It looked like it was because of the new Empress…” The Knights said with a bitter face.

Mocha’s face sank and said, “You mean the person who calls Caffey over and over, even in the middle of night, to the point where I have to wear earplugs to sleep, who also happened to be my stepmother?”

“Oh, right, and also the lion roar that scared me once a day?”

“Right… that’s the Empress.” The Knights all said in unison.

“What does father like about her?” Mocha could not understand, unless father liked women who were stupid and loud?

One Knight murmured quietly, “Instead of asking what the Dragon Emperor likes about her, we should be asking what she likes about the Dragon Emperor. I think she’s at least a bit more normal than our Dragon Emperor, just that she loves to call his name, and she wants to beat any handsome Knight’s face. There’s nothing else weird about her.”

Mocha did indeed hear this Knight’s outrageous words, just damn, he actually secretly agreed with him! Though this new Empress wasn’t any normal person either, but “normal” was only relative. Compared to his own father, his stepmother did look indeed like a normal person with a couple of strange habits!

‘Luckily, I’m more like my mother. Sigh! I’m worried about my third sovereign brother’s future. He’s quite like father…’ Mocha’s stomach began to hurt again.

Mocha sighed. Forget it! If his father liked her, and she liked him back, what else could he ask for? Just that they must hand out earplugs from now. Mocha looked at the books, hmm! The money for earplugs will come out of father’s allowances then!