I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

“Guild leader…”

Even after more than a decade, Sim Ah-ryeon, our guild member who still didn’t grasp the concept of personal growth, made a face.

“Why the long face again?”

“Please don’t get rid of it…”

“...Get rid of what? Are you smoking?”

“...Ugh, this is why non-players... Anyway. Um, SG Net is down…”

Sim Ah-ryeon sniffled.

SG Net, an advanced technology website, had its servers located in Seo Gyu’s brain and heart.

Unless our manly guy SG Man got himself killed in a street fight, there was no chance SG Net would shut down.

Though statistically, that was quite likely, it hadn’t happened yet. So, Sim Ah-ryeon’s use of the word ‘down’ was purely metaphorical.

“Sniff. Look at this…”

Sim Ah-ryeon showed me SG Net on her smartphone.

-OldManGoryeo: Today's café mocha.jpeg

-Anonymous: I wrote a novel, please review it

-OldManGoryeo: Today's café mocha.png

-Anonymous: Do you believe in God?

-Anonymous: Anyone want to go to a hot spring trip?

-Anonymous: Why are there only idiots here? LOL

-OldManGoryeo: Today's café mocha.jpg

I tilted my head. After glancing a few times, there was only one thing out of place.

“Ah-ryeon, why are you drinking so much coffee?”

“Aaagh! There are only two posts on SG Net today! Two! Just two posts and that's it! Today’s coffee, yesterday’s coffee, and the day before yesterday’s coffee!”

“Ah…”

“Do you know how many posts are usually made on SG Net per day? Four! Four posts! Unbelievable! Guild leader! I can’t live like this! I can’t stir up any drama. Out of the four daily posts, one is mine, and the other is my anonymous post…”

“Hmm.”

Indeed, SG Net had died.

The only thing still active was the [Library Society’s Encyclopedia of Anomalies] that Sim Ah-ryeon and I ran. The ghost users of the community had been purged.

There was always a cause for every effect. There was a clear reason why SG Net’s ecosystem had been destroyed.

“Well, that was when everyone lived scattered across the country, but now we all live here. This city has many plazas and rest areas. There’s no longer a dire need for an online community like before.”

“But still, this is too strange… I swear, even in ancient Vatican City, they had internet communities. It makes no sense that an internet community dies just because people live together in Busan. Guild leader! This has to be an occult phenomenon! An anomaly! Wow! You love anomalies, guild leader…! Please, exterminate it quickly!”

This kid... sharp as ever.

“Ah-ryeon, do you really want to hear the other reasons from my mouth?”

“Wh-What do you mean…?”

“Look. There are no unemployed or homeless people here. Everyone has a job and leads a healthy daily life. After work, people have small parties or go to clubs and have real-life community activities. They relieve all their stress there, so naturally, they don’t need to go online. Just look at Seo Gyu; he went out to a TRPG meeting tonight, didn’t he? But Ah-ryeon, you’re always holed up in the guild building alone…”

“Aaah! I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to hear it!”

Sim Ah-ryeon covered her ears and rolled on the floor. Well, not exactly rolled... she rubbed her back against the ground. Actively, like backstroking, she had a meltdown.

If Gregor Samsa had seen her, he would have been ashamed of the degrading display of insect dignity.

“Reality? Reality? You’re saying people don’t need the internet because they’re happy in the moment? Are you stupid? Guild leader, you’re really stupid! This smartphone screen, this is reality! This is the truth! People quitting the internet is inhumane, impossible on this Earth, in this universe!”

“But it has actually happened.”

“Eek…!”

OldManGoryeo collapsed.

Even if the world were to end tomorrow, Sim Ah-ryeon would post nonsense on the internet today, but her power Grudge Orb was bound to decline.

It had become increasingly difficult to attract people's attention.

Present-day Busan was becoming closer to an ideal city.

Everyone wanted to become a better version of themselves. And Busan had a way to grant people’s wishes.

- I’m tired after work but still have a habit of staying up late doing other things. It ruins my daily life. Great Witch, can you remove this habit?

- Of course. Insomnia is such a torment. Just provide one month’s worth of your salary.

It wasn’t a deal with the devil but with a witch.

Dang Seo-rin’s Equivalent Exchange magic and Cheon Yo-hwa’s Brainwashing magic. When these two powers worked together, people could conveniently extract the parts of their personalities they wished to remove.

It wasn’t just personalities.

- I was abused by my family as a child. Even now, traumatic memories surface and torment me. This personality of mine burdens those around me. Great Witch, can you remove the memories of my family’s abuse?

- Of course. But you must also offer the negative emotions you have towards your family as a price.

Memories, emotions, personality.

The Great Witch accepted anything as material for negotiation and received anything in exchange.

Busan's crime rate plummeted. Naturally, the criminals’ personalities had been completely reformed.

Dang Seo-rin’s ‘witch trials’ became increasingly open to the general public. Once a week, the golden scale was hoisted in the grand plaza, and dozens of people transformed into better versions of themselves each time.

As Tolstoy said, happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

There are many ways to revert to unhappiness, but the path to happiness is always singular.

The same was true for this city.

As people systematically eradicated their miseries, their auras gradually became similar.

Healthy. Waking up early and going to bed early. Regular exercise. Valuing those around them. Polite. Kind. Honest. Avoiding hurting others and getting hurt.

Utopia.

“What do we do, guild leader…? Sniffle, now I can’t heal you if your arm gets cut off or your legs get broken… I’m sorry. If another monster wave invades, I can’t heal you…”

“Ah, don’t worry about it. You were going to be fired soon anyway.”

“…What?”

“The monster wave will soon be over.”

I will cover the detailed explanation of the anomaly known as ‘monster wave’ in another story.

For now, it sufficed to imagine it exactly as the name suggested.

A tsunami of anomalies. Endless waves of monsters rushing from the horizon.

Even anomalies that would never coexist due to overlapping territories would swarm together like a giant legion.

Why this phenomenon occurred remained unknown, but its timing was clear.

When the void grew excessively large.

For instance, if the entire North Korean area turned into a void, a ‘monster wave’ would inevitably appear.

The tsunami lasted about 20 hours.

Thousands, tens of thousands of anomalies surged like a wave, covering the ground still held by humanity.

This phenomenon compelled me to create the National Road Management Corps.

The reason we didn’t abandon the various cities of the Korean Peninsula and maintained our territory by connecting the national roads was to prevent being swept away by the near-infinite monster waves if we allowed the void to encroach further.

Dang Seo-rin chose the exact opposite.

-Undertaker! Undertaker! Undertaker!

-Waaaaa!

And today.

With all resources and manpower concentrated in Busan since the reunification of the Korean Peninsula, the fear of the monster wave, which had always threatened the city’s security, was finally ended.

-Everyone! Please welcome with applause! Our hero who protected Busan, no, the Korean Peninsula! No, the city’s guardian who protected the world! Here comes the Undertaker!

-Long live the Undertaker! Long live Busan!

A parade was held in the city.

It was a kind of festival. Just like a general who won a victory in Rome paraded through the triumphal arch to boast of his achievements to the citizens, I too marched slowly, escorted by the awakeners around me.

I rode in an open car, but in the sky, members of the Samcheon Guild (now part of the National Road Management Corps) formed a decent aerial squad on their brooms.

Victory songs poured ceaselessly from the speakers installed throughout the city. The melody was stirring and moving.

Liquor, a major luxury item, was distributed without limit today. We would burn through five years’ worth of reserves in one day.

-Until now, our city has always been threatened by the despicable waves of anomalies! But thanks to the Undertaker and many warriors' brave fights! The monster wave has finally been eradicated! Rejoice, citizens! Our city is free!

-Waaaaa!

The climax of the festival was when the parade reached the headquarters of the National Road Management Corps.

The plaza where the ‘witch trials’ were held weekly. Overlooking the plaza, the headquarters towered like the Tower of Babel.

At the grand staircase one had to climb to enter the headquarters, the ruler of the city, the master of the Korean Peninsula, the one in the black conical hat, Dang Seo-rin, was waiting.

“Welcome, Undertaker.”

Dang Seo-rin smiled. Her smile and voice were broadcasted throughout the city by a special magic designed for this day.

“You finally did it.”

“...…”

“Once, you warned me. You said the path we chose would be blocked by countless anomalies. But I said, with your power and my magic, we could overcome it.”

Dang Seo-rin pouted playfully.

“Can we now say that we’ve proven who was right?”

“Take the correctness. I’ll take the blood and effort invested to make your words right.”

“Whatever. Always showing off.”

Laughter rippled through the crowd surrounding the plaza.

Despite the ruler’s overly casual language and conversation, it didn’t matter. Maintaining power and authority in this city no longer required grand political rhetoric or exaggeration.

Every citizen was complete.

“Anyway, the hero who defeated the greatest enemy deserves a fitting reward. I swear on my golden scale that I’ll grant whatever you wish. Now, our hero. Make your wish.”

“Thank you. Then… I noticed Yu Ji-won was handling the mic for today’s event. Replace her. Even though her personality changed, she still overdoes it. I almost died of embarrassment getting here.”

-Undertaker? Protector?

Laughter erupted from the plaza again.

Dang Seo-rin also chuckled and took a step closer to me. Thump. For some reason, her footsteps weren’t broadcasted through the city’s speakers, but only reached my ears.

I understood that Dang Seo-rin had momentarily cut off the ‘broadcast magic.’

“Is that enough? Really? I meant it when I said I’d grant any wish.”

“My wish is to stay by your side till the end, and it’s already being fulfilled.”

“...…”

“So fire Yu Ji-won. Now.”

Dang Seo-rin chuckled.

“Really…”

What words followed, I didn’t know either.

Dang Seo-rin extended her right hand, and I, as per her taste, kissed the ring on it. Then the cheers of the whole city drowned out all other sounds.

Night fell.

Fireworks exploded.

In the night sky of the city, all sorts of witches flew around. The National Road Management Corps members, who had been granted a three-day leave starting today, soared on brooms, firing fireworks spells at will.

Dang Seo-rin and I sat on the high terrace of the headquarters, looking up at the night sky’s festival.

On the table were some famous Haeundae Bakery bread and two empty wine bottles.

“Now then.”

Dang Seo-rin’s long fingers traced the rim of the wine glass.

“Are all the anomalies threatening us gone?”

“Who knows. The greatest threat is gone, I’d say. There might still be outer god-class anomalies I haven’t detected yet but at least the monster wave won’t target this place again.”

“That’s good. No more seeing those disgusting anomalies swarm in. Really, that’s good.”

Fireworks exploded again.

Even the sound of fireworks being launched seemed to have been magically implemented, echoing pleasantly in the sky.

The red and yellow backlighting illuminated Dang Seo-rin’s profile as she watched the night sky.

“Ah, I feel good. Yeah. Undertaker, make me a cup of coffee. I want some.”

“If you drink caffeine at night, you won’t sleep.”

“What’s the difference?”

Dang Seo-rin propped her chin on her left hand and smirked. Her right hand stroked Blackie, curled up on her lap.

“I'm not sleeping tonight anyway. I’ll skip work tomorrow too. You’re free starting today too, aren’t you?”

“…Indeed. Just one cup then.”

The rooftop terrace, virtually Dang Seo-rin’s private bar, had all the tools a barista needed. The beans smelled freshly ground.

There was even ice cream in the icebox. I made affogato and handed it to Dang Seo-rin with a wry smile.

“Here. Hangover coffee.”

“Ah, thank you! Mmm. As expected. Coffee made by you tastes the best.”

Fireworks exploded.

Meow— Blackie meowed on Dang Seo-rin’s lap.

“But… how did you subdue the monster wave? Didn’t you say it was something that couldn’t be eradicated, more a phenomenon than an anomaly?”

“I didn’t subdue it.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t subdue it. Near Seoul, monster waves of tens of thousands of anomalies still appear, disappear after 20 hours, and reappear endlessly.”

“...…”

I had seen it with my own eyes.

Dang Seo-rin, who had been enjoying the affogato, froze.

“…Wait. Really? You’re not kidding? Then that’s a big problem!”

“No, I’ve never lied to you, Seo-rin. The monster wave will never push down here again. Your city is safe.”

“Uh… hey, Undertaker?”

Dang Seo-rin looked confused.

“Sorry, I can’t follow this conversation. Wasn’t the monster wave a phenomenon that pushed from the void to the non-void, human territory? You said that before.”

“That’s right.”

“And the monster wave is still appearing, not eradicated?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why do you claim with such certainty that the monster wave will never strike Busan again?”

“Because this is the void.”

Fireworks exploded.

“――This place is no longer human territory but anomaly territory. Busan is no longer Busan but Utopia. Literally, ‘no place,’ the void.”

“……”

“So there’s no reason for the monster wave to target this place. Dang Seo-rin. As long as you, the anomaly, rule this area.”

Fireworks exploded.

Footnotes:

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