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She was even amused for a while about the possibility of her liking Rukiya but then she had figured that maybe she was just hallucinating, given she had just gotten out of a mate bond recently she didn\'t want to jump into another.

And that too, not when her heart was filled with so much anger and pain.

She hadn\'t even wanted to think of that and it was honestly understandable. However, walking back from the Greyson woods back to the Freelands, so she could run to Clarkson, Hawi had been hit with the reality that she was completely and utterly alone.

Her Father was dead.

It was something that Hawi had been hoping would be a bad dream, but then it seemed like that and the dream was determined to stay longer. Then again it wasn\'t a dream. It was a reality, one that Awuor Hawi had never imagined would come to pass.

She had never imagined that her father would ever be dead, instead, she had planned out her vengeance and made sure that in the end, her father got to see what kind of a son he had and the kind of son-in-law the universe had given Sicario, but all of that was down the drain.

\'I should have been there. I should have done something, I should have tried to save him, I should have tried to make things right. Maybe I would have been able to fight for him.

"I don\'t know what to do now that he is dead,\' Hawi said to herself as she stared at her reflection in the water that had stilled.

She looked terrible, very terrible and if today was another normal day, she would have been grossed out by the sight she was staring at. And yet as she looked at herself, she no longer saw the strong alpha female she had always been.

Instead, she saw a girl who had been happier for twenty-three out of the possible five hundred years that werewolves got to live. She saw a girl who had watched helplessly as her parents were stolen from her in the worst of ways.

Sure, she hadn\'t known how her father had died, but one thing Hawi was sure of, was that her father was a warrior. The Sicario alpha wouldn\'t have gone down easily. Then again, he had been depressed.

What if Sicario had taken his own life and the pack announced his murder to keep his reputation? But what if her father was truly murdered? Hawi was confused and hurt, she wanted to rip her heart out and throw it to the wild animals but then it wasn\'t like she wasn\'t a wild animal herself.

"Malika, help me," Hawi whispered defeatedly as she stared at the lake, not even caring that she was slowly slipping down the muddy trail into the lake. She wanted to get up and fight, but she felt like her world was just getting darker.

Granted, she had called out for Malika, but Hawi wasn\'t even sure that her protector would show up this time. Malika was fulfilling her part of the deal with Sicario and it was crazy for Hawi to seek her out but then who was she supposed to seek?

The Clarksons who had allowed her to stay with them in exchange for her protection of their people?

Her best friend who had abandoned her?

Her useless brother, her dead father or was she supposed to call out to Rukiya again? And even if she did, it wasn\'t like the woman would show up for her, when she had been the reason she had left.

"I\'m so sorry Mother, Father. I should\'ve been a good daughter," Hawi said, finally letting herself jump into the water like it was the easiest way out.

The Alpha knew it was a stupid idea and she knew that her giving up was an insult to everyone who had believed in her and everyone who had trusted her. But then who were those who trusted her and cared for her?

Rukiya Greyson had a pack to run, the Clarksons were under a mutually beneficial agreement. So who was supposed to come to save the little girl who was trapped in her pain?

When she got into the water, Hawi didn\'t even try to stay afloat. She just wanted to mute out the voices in her head, so she let herself drown for a moment.

The crazy woman hadn\'t intended to die today, but in her desperation, she hoped that if she stayed long enough under the water, the voices would stop and she would be able to get out and start afresh but with her desire for vengeance intact.

She wasn\'t going to forgive anyone who had crossed her and now she had just added the fact-seeking mission or her father\'s death. She wasn\'t going to rest until she dealt with them all, even if she was alone.

"—Thirty-eight, Thirty-nine, Forty, Forty-one," Hawi counted as she stayed under water.

She was honestly loving it, even though she had closed her eyes and was spiraling towards the bottom of the lake real fast. But that didn\'t even scare her. She had been through worse and it seemed like the deeper she went the quicker the voices got muted out.

It was a win for her, up until she lost count of what she had been doing and couldn\'t even think straight. Maybe she had finally stopped the voices, or maybe she had finally managed to anger a few more people. But then it wasn\'t like she cared at all.

She had long given in to the darkness and was finally free.

Besides, when she would wake up, she would be clear-headed and ready to face the world again, right? But how was she supposed to wake up underwater when she had gotten a little too deep that she wouldn\'t probably be able to survive this?

Oh, Hawi.

*****

"Don\'t you even try hiding your face, because I will smack the life out of you myself," an angry voice spoke when Hawi opened her eyes.

She had been sure she was still underwater and was getting ready to get back up, but when she opened her eyes and saw a furious Malika and Rukiya, Hawi knew she was fucked beyond justification.

She had never imagined there would come a day when the devils would ever be on the same side for her, but then here they were and if Rukiya was here there was a really high chance that Malika had called her.

That in itself wasn\'t good for Hawi, not in any way and Hawi had a feeling she was in for a long disciplinary session. But what would she tell them? That she tried to mute the voices in her head and she happened to lose count?

They were already glaring at her and it was obvious that they wouldn\'t buy her bullshit.

\'Nope, I\'m not facing them today,\' Hawi said as she tried to shift into her wolf but she only heard a few growls around her. Of course, she knew who they belonged to, but maybe if she played stupid for a while, she would be able to get out of this, right?

Maybe she would have enough time to prove that she hasn\'t exactly been suicidal. Then again where was she even supposed to start from? The women around her were scary as hell and she had just managed to be on their wrong side.

\'I can\'t feel my wolf… I wasn\'t even in the water for that long, right? Or was I?\' Hawi asked herself after attempting to shift for a few minutes and managed to epically fail while at it.

She wanted to say something, or do anything that would make them believe that she hadn\'t tried to make the worst mistake of the century, but then it wasn\'t like it was any further from her desperate truth.

She had wanted to mute otu the world and she had managed to, for a while, only that she could even remember what it felt like.

Maybe she could try going back in and get a hint, no?

"Yeah, try me, Mistress," a furious Malika voiced when Hawi stared into the lake with a glint in her eyes.

Hawi tried to smile at her, but Malika was grim this time.

And Rukiya looked heartbroken and disappointed at the same time.

Was that even possible in one sitting?

"I\'m fucked, yay."