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Chapter 285: Chapter 4 Part III

It\'s the cold that grips my heart.

A darkness deep and dark enough to make you resent the world reared its head.

Why am I being bullied? Those feelings gradually changed.

Why am I even alive?

What did I do wrong?

I began to blame myself. My heart that\'s frozen over started eating away at my body.

The scars that run deep began to ache again.

"Hey, save yourself already, Karuizawa. There\'s no need to suffer any more than this."

In front of me, Ryuuen laughed while pressuring me for a confession.

But that\'s a dead end road. I\'m no longer able to answer anything. If I tell him about Kiyotaka, I may be saved temporarily. But that doesn\'t mean I\'ve escaped for good.

There\'s no guarantee that Ryuuen won\'t simply use the same threat on me again. He may show up again and order me to sell out Class D. It\'s the worst case scenario you often see in dramas.

There\'s only misery at the end of the road for people who continue to betray others. If so, I\'ll put my faith in Kiyotaka\'s words, his promise that he\'d protect me.

It...is the last line of defense protecting me from being swallowed up by the darkness.

"I know what you\'re thinking. If you reveal X\'s identity here, you\'ll lose even the possibility that they\'d keep protecting you. A total loss of hope."

I could hear the sound of my teeth chattering from the cold and the fear. I desperately pawed at the ground to stop it but my heart\'s long since stopped listening.

A horrific memory came to mind.

The past and the present overlapped.

"Do you want to die embracing hope? To go back to how things were, are you really fine with that?"

His words relentlessly assaulted me.

"X isn\'t the one who\'s going to save you. I can save you if you spit the name out here."

I\'m scared.

"But if you\'re going to oppose me, I have no other choice but to attack your weakness."

Save me.

"I\'m going to make a list of all the things about you and spread it around the school."

I\'m scared.

"When that happens, will you still be able to keep your cool and maintain your current position in class?"

Save me.

"No, there\'s no way that\'d happen. You\'ll just go back to those days. Back to the pathetic you who suffered bullying. Back to the original you."

The bullying I received in the past continously replayed itself in my head without letting up.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no..."

I don\'t want to go back to that dark, miserable world where I wished for death.

"Then end it already. End it and protect yourself."

"Please forgive me, pleaseforgiveme...!"

My pride\'s already been torn to shreds.

No, that\'s not true. I had only stuck it back together with cellophane tape. My pride had already been torn apart in the first place.

The Karuizawa Kei who had been holding on, died. That fun school life crumbled away.

"I\'m not as merciful as Manabe and her group were. We know your secret. Even if you get me expelled, it\'s not just one or two people who know the truth. The rumors will spread immediately. When that happens, even your subservient classmates may rise up to bully you."

"No, no, no..."

"Then take a trip down memory lane. Remember how painful it\'s going to be to go back to those days."

---There\'s no way I wouldn\'t end up remembering.

For a moment, a pure white world spread through my mind.

And then the darkness came.

Back during middle school, I ended up creating my own hell from something so trivial. I was always the headstrong, competitive type so I ended up making enemies out of similar girls.

Every day after that was the furthest you could get from a happy school life.

They scribbled on my textbooks and stole my notes. That\'s still cute, though. As though it were the obvious thing to do, they dumped water on me while I used the toilet more than a few times.

They punched me and kicked me and filmed it so they can spread it around the class for laughs.

They put thumbtacks in my shoes and animal corpses on my desk. I remember it all. They even once pulled my skirt down in front of the class. After swimming class, they\'d hide my underwear and sometimes even my uniform.

They also made me confess to boys I don\'t even like. There were times when they\'d make me pick up garbage on the ground with my mouth and eat it. At times, I was made to lick shoes.

I endured humiliation after humiliation.

Yes, that\'s right.

I ended up recalling it.

At a time like this, the last measure humans take in self-defense is to accept it all.

Accept the reality that I am being bullied by Ryuuen and his group.

If I do that, it\'ll be easier.

Ahh, I wonder if I\'m going back to those days. I know that if that happens, my heart surely won\'t be able to take it. The ones who were kind to me, the ones who befriended me, they\'d end up changing.

I won\'t be able to endure those cruel days again. The only thing the school that abandoned me did for me was to inform me about this school.

They offered me salvation in the form of having all the students who know about me disappear.

If they\'re gone, then I\'ll-----

I looked up at the sky.

The tears I\'d been holding back overflowed and fell.

Why do I have to go through this?

........

---I don\'t want to.

Those feelings welled up inside me.

I just accepted it, that I don\'t want to go back to those days.

According to Ryuuen, he just wants to find the person he\'s been looking for.

In other words, if I give him Kiyotaka\'s name, I\'ll be free.

But there\'s no guarantee that he still won\'t reveal my past anyways.

They may all know already the next day. If that happens, the result\'s still the same.

I\'d not only lose Kiyotaka\'s trust but also all my friends.

But---

Salvation is still within reach.

If I give him the name, putting an end to this suffering may be possible.

It can\'t be helped, can it?

I will save you.

Kiyotaka, who promised me that, didn\'t come racing to save me.

Even if I continue to believe in him and wait for him, this situation won\'t change one bit.

Did he not notice the mail I sent him?

But I also gave him a signal through making eye contact. And our eyes certainly met and he acknowledged me.

Telling me that he\'d protect me so I can relax.

Or so I thought.

Am I just deluding myself? I don\'t know anymore.

There\'s no way I can confirm that now. The relationship Kiyotaka and I share is just too shallow.

He cut me off without even a guarantee that Manabe and her group won\'t try anything. Using a selfish reason like \'it\'s no longer necessary for him to take the stage\'.

I was only an afterthought.

Was I betrayed? Did he abandon me?

"Albert, did anyone show up?.....I see, I\'ll call again."

In front of me, Ryuuen silently sighed.

"You probably expected something but it doesn\'t look like anyone\'s coming for you."

Ahh, so I was abandoned after all.

Well, what else am I supposed to do if not believe? Kiyotaka told me he\'d save me.

He did protect me from Manabe\'s group.

"You seem like you trust X quite a fair bit, Karuizawa."

Ryuuen sighed as though in exasperation.

"You were deceived."

"That\'s not..."

"It\'s the truth. I\'ll tell you the truth about the shipboard exam that X never told you."

"Truth...?"

Somewhere along the way, Ryuuen had stopped smiling.

"Manabe wanted to bully you as payback for Morofuji but she couldn\'t find an opening to do so. Even if she invites you over to an isolated spot, it\'s not like you\'d just obey her. By the way, for some reason you went below deck alone. Why is that?"

"That\'s..."

That\'s because Yousuke-kun asked me to go there.

Back then, I was emotionally unstable and had no choice but to rely on Yousuke-kun, the person I was parasitizing.

That\'s why I went there...and Manabe\'s group also came there by coincidence...

"Do you really think it was just a coincidence?"

Once again, Ryuuen saw through me.

"There\'s no way they could follow you around the clock on such a large ship. In that case, Manabe\'s group showing up there isn\'t a coincidence but an inevitability."

Does that mean Yousuke-kun lied to me?

No...that\'s not it.

I understood right away that isn\'t the case. But for a moment there, I tried to blame Yousuke-kun.

"You already get it, don\'t you? X made contact with Manabe and helped her lure you there by acting like someone who also hates Karuizawa and convincing her to team up. All I can say is that you\'re a fool for biting the bait. That\'s the truth."

I do remember how strange that incident was.

Yousuke-kun, who asked me to go there, never showed up.

I understand now because I know Kiyotaka. He gave instructions to Yousuke-kun to isolate me...

"X deliberately set up your bullying to acquire evidence of that. Don\'t you think that\'s just inhuman?"

No, I don\'t want to believe that.

But what he\'s saying...isn\'t something so simple.

So Kiyotaka showing up there and saving me wasn\'t a coincidence?

"You weren\'t rescued. You were ensnared. How stupid, don\'t you think?"

I was deceived...?

"Look around you. Is X here right now? Are they saving you right now?"

Kiyotaka...has been deceiving me from the start?

"It\'s safe to assume that they cut their ties with you when their own identity was about to be exposed."

No, that can\'t be...

That just can\'t be...

I---wasn\'t saved.

Even though I\'m going through this much suffering...

I ended up falling for Kiyotaka\'s trap and thought I might actually be saved. I was made to help him with a lot of stuff.

But at a crucial time like this, he abandoned me.

Because that would mean...

"You\'ve realized it too, haven\'t you? It\'s all just you being maliciously \'bullied\' again."

Darkness shrouded me.

In the end, I wasn\'t able to escape the Mobius loop of bullying.

"Well, there\'s still one way for you to save yourself."

The name.

To tell Ryuuen about Kiyotaka.

"That\'s right."

If I tell him the name, will this end.....?

"Yes. It will end."

As though reading my mind, Ryuuen laughed again.

"If you tell me the name, I promise to never get you involved again."

Ahh, so I will be saved.

I just have to say the words \'Ayanokouji Kiyotaka\'.

I don\'t know whether I can trust him or not. But if he hears the words coming from the bottom of my heart, this man in front of me will surely understand.

That alone, I\'m confident about.

Against my will, my lips started moving while still trembling.

The despair and rage at being betrayed and my heart wishing to be saved. But my voice is still not coming out.

I can\'t bring my voice out, not when it\'s this cold.

"Take it easy. Give me the name."

"---ta....."

It\'s coming out.

I trembled and trembled and cowered in fear.

Then a word came out.

"Ta?"

Ryuuen is listening to me.

"Ta.....ka...."

I squeezed it out ever so slowly. I\'ll be free after this.

"One more time. Tell me, slowly, one more time."

Ryuuen\'s face drew close to me.

"No matter..."

Words are coming out.

No, that\'s not it.

From the very beginning, I had no intention of saying it from the very beginning....

Because I\'m---

"No matter how many times you ask me.....I will \'NEVER\', \'EVER\'...tell you."

"......."

And with that, Ryuuen\'s smile froze.

I felt like a ray of light had pierced through the cloudy skies.

A world that, in reality, hasn\'t changed one bit. And the conclusion I reached.

"Even if, starting tomorrow, I lose my place here at this school...even if I continue to suffer....."

Something I need to put my faith in no matter what.

That\'s neither Ryuuen\'s words nor Kiyotaka\'s existence.

"I will never, ever give you the name..."

A warm light emanating from within my chest.

"You sure about that, Karuizawa?"

Yes.

I\'m fine with this.

I may come to regret it.

But I\'m fine with this....!

"Even though you know X was just using you, why do you still cover for them?"

"I don\'t know..."

That\'s my line.

But---there is one thing I do know.

"Even I want to act cool until the very end...!"

My field of vision which had clouded up, cleared up for a moment.

"I see. That\'s a shame, Karuizawa. After today, you won\'t have a place in this school anymore. I personally don\'t want to do anything extreme either but I\'ve got no choice. But, you are worthy of respect. Despite the trauma of your past, despite being betrayed by the only one you could rely on, you still didn\'t sell them out. I\'ll give you that."

This is fine.

I\'m fine with this.

I repeatedly told myself that. I will break here though.

But for some reason, I felt a little proud of myself.

That despite being betrayed, I didn\'t betray in turn and that it meant he would be safe.

If I could help him gain the peace he desires, then that\'s not so bad.

That\'s that then. Somehow, aren\'t I cool?

There never was anything interesting going on with my life but by cooperating with Kiyotaka, things got exciting and that\'s not so bad.

I had fun.

How should I put it, almost like the heroine supporting her hero from the shadows?

Although I didn\'t understand a lot of what he did, it was still somehow strangely fun.

Besides, no matter how it happened, it\'s still a fact that I was saved.

That\'s why I regret nothing.

I have no regrets.

But, you know? The truth is, deep down inside, I still held out hope that he might come and save me.

Those fleeting feelings---also exist, I guess.

Ahh, I\'m such a fool.

I was just dancing in the palm of his hand.

I guess I brought this on myself. I had Yousuke-kun protect me and then I had Kiyotaka protect me. I really am a woman incapable of doing anything on her own.

Underneath the cold winter sky.

I somehow ended up feeling comfortable.

Goodbye to the false \'me\'.

Welcome back, the empty \'me\' from the past.